Friday, April 8, 2011

Final Note

This is not love. It is a crime, ... You can't look the other way just because you have not experienced domestic violence with your own flesh.
~ Salma Hayek

Treating abusive men is a tricky matter.  It can be scary to confront an abusive man for fear that he may deny the facts, play the victim, or become even more violent.  Often times, help and treatment is not accepted until the man admits he has a problem and seeks help for himself.  It is important to remember that an abuser is not born; he is made.  No matter how wearing it is, ending the abusive cycle is possible.  There are four elements to bring about change : consequences, education, confrontation, and accountability.  Those 4 core elements are played out in 13 general steps to assist an abusive man change.

1)   Admit fully to his history of psychological, sexual, and physical abusiveness toward any current or past partner whom he has abused.
2)   Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally.
3)   Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control.
4)   Recognize the effects his abuse has had on you and on your children, and show empathy for those.
5)   Identify in detail his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes.
6)   Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes to replace the abusive ones he is stopping.
7)   Reevaluate his distorted image of you, replacing it with a more positive and empathic view.
8)   Make amends for the damage he has done.
9)   Accept the consequences of his actions.
10)   Commit to not repeating his abusive behaviors and honor that commitment.
11)   Accept the need to give up his privileges and so so.
12)   Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a lifelong process.
13)   Be willing to be accountable for his actions, both past and future.

Although these steps can be highly effective in helping to end the cycle of abuse, it is imperative to keep in mink that an abuser who does not relinquish his core entitlements will not remain non abusive.  He must truly believe he needs to and wants to change in order to stop being abusive.

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Abuse Help
Allies Leaving
Anger Love
Controlling Traumatic Bonding
Emotional Types

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