Friday, April 8, 2011

The Abusive Man and Breaking Up

I chose to blog about this topic after watching Sin by Silence and reading some of the articles on Mydeathspace.  I feel like there is a large misconception that once a woman leave her abusive relationship she is safe from further harm.  This is not the case however.  The film Sin by Silence put forth a shocking statistic.  Women who leave an abusive relationship are at a 75% higher risk after they have left.  That became apparent when i was reading articles on Mydeathspace.  I was shocked at the number was cases that happened after the woman had left.  On average, women try to leave their abusive relationship 7 times.  this puts the woman in a very dangerous situation because it angers and scares her abusive partner and gives him the satisfaction that he still has control over her.  Women who leave need to have a thorough plan in order to be safe and secure.

One reason many women have a difficult reason leaving their abusive spouse is because of a manipulative process used by the abuser called traumatic bonding.  Women who are abused they feel a natural rush of love and gratitude to anyone who brings them relief.  Because abusive men are rarely abusive all the time, they are most often the ones who bring relief.  That causes a twisted sort of dependence for the woman.  They have illusions that he is the only one who really knows them or that no one understands them the way he does.  Traumatic bonding is one of the most manipulative tactics used by abusive men to keep their partner from leaving.

So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave.
Til the walls are goin’ up in smoke with all our memories.
Love The Way You Lie (Part 2) – Rhianna Ft. Eminem

 Bancroft makes the point that abusive men are extremely manipulative and controlling.  When a woman threatens to or makes an attempt to leave, the abusive man uses manipulation and fear to make her stay.  He may promise to change, apologize, threaten to commit suicide, physically or sexually assault her, spreading rumors to turn friends and family against her etc.  If the woman does succeed in leaving, the abusive man often become irrationally angry and feels that they no longer have control.  That can lead to stalking, damaging their property, assault, and even murder.  Abusive men tend to have the mentality that "you continue to be mine, and I retain my rights to your body until I decide otherwise."

This site goes into dept about the psychological attachment that is involved in traumatic bonding.  It offers further information on why abused women are so prone to staying with their abuser.

I really like this site.  It gives a run down on every detail a woman needs to cover before leaving her abusive partner.  It also addresses the fact that the abusive spouse may "change" after the woman has left in order to reel her back, a point that Bancroft also covered.  The main message of this site is Safety First.

This site offers a good overview of what to expect after a woman leaves an abusive relationship.  It goes through the possible responses of an abuser.  It especially focuses on the responses of both the abuser and the abused in terms of children.

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